Men that you will inevitably fall in love with.
Heathcliff, in high school, while sitting in a bathtub until
the water has gone cold like jello that hasn’t quite set. His cruel streak will make you susceptible to
other bad boys like Jesse from Gilmore Girls. Crooked smilers and the like.
Obi Wan Kenobi, AKA Ewan McGregor, which will confuse you
during your formative years as you saw the originals where Alex Guinness is
plodding around looking old and then you look at Ewan McGregor who is just so
dashing and do we all turn to dust in the end?
Van Helsing, first as the gun-slinging action hero Hugh
Jackman, later as the Dutch professor of Stoker’s world. Having met the first
before the other, every reading of Dracula
is now more than slightly provocative and sexy. The way he kicks vampire
butt with his body and his mind will change you and might make you wish you
were Kate Beckinsale.
Wolverine, after reading Ulitmate
X-Men Volumes III-V, because when you’re twelve and comics are free in the
library you go for it. Incidentally, once more you will fall for Hugh Jackman
as he dashes across the screen in countless Marvel mash-ups. But you will
always wish he was just a bit more like the comic. You will learn that when
hair is drawn by artists it is magnetic and emotes, but when those same styles
are attempted in the real world, they are flat and ludicrous. You’ll still love Hugh Jackman and wish you
had Pocahontas’ s hair.
Darcy, Fitzwilliam. You’ll wish you never stumbled across
this guy because men. Just men. Also, you might think you want a love story
like his and Elizabeth’s, not even considering Colin Firth, but you were just
rereading Pride and Prejudice and
most of it is bullshit.* It’s a lot of pain for a lot of gain. But whatever
happened to being friends from the start?
*You’ll realize that you mistakenly fall for the “what
appear to be charming” characters in films and books until they are unmasked,
particularly where Austen is concerned. Willoughby and Wickham are just the
sort for you, you think. Until you’re utterly in ruin and damn it, Heathcliff,
you’ve reared your gorgeous head again.
Papa John. Taco John. Papa Murphy. Colonel Sanders. These
are love affairs that will never end.
Tom Stoppard will make you fall in love Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern. They are dead.
But Hugh Jackman? You’ll always have Hugh Jackman.
Also Ewan McGregor.