And then there's that whole responsibility bit, when everyone's madly dashing about saying to you over and over again in a never ending matrix of infinity "you should do so and so and you should be with so and so and you should go to the moon even though NASA isn't sending anymore astronauts there and you should just grow a pair and get over it and you should just spend thousands of dollars on an education and you should just settle down and you should just keep a straight face and bend over and take it and you should just do an endless supply of things that I think would make you happy or at least keep you occupied". Sometimes it's a bit flustering. More than flustering, I should say.
I find myself in a rather defiant mood at the moment (but who's kidding I've been in a defiant mood for the last several years) and I'm not one to roll with the punches. A bit tired of having my life dictated to me by everyone. I'm even tired of having my life dictated by me. And that's where the paradox comes in folks, because apparently I can't even bloody dream big enough to get the rest of the cloying noise out of my own ears.
Rant, rant, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more.
I want to do things. And who's to say I shouldn't? Shan't? A lucrative career apparently isn't one of those things. I have a brilliant idea that I've managed to hatch so far: maybe I should graduate from high school early, move to Minneapolis and start a degree in English Literature and then say "hang this" and move to Bemidji to start a degree in Modelmaking. Hell, I can read all the books I want for the rest of my life, but I don't want to teach them to people. I want to horde them like a jealous thief and change the password from "open sesame" to something no one else will ever figure out. I just want to see mountains again, Gandalf, and then find somewhere to finish my book. I can work for Weta Workshop, not minding of course the fact that getting to work there is highly competitive and they won't add you if they have a similar person with credentials in New Zealand, so hang immigration!
And then there's the whole wanting to move to Scotland bit. How in the hell can I work for Weta Workshop (New Zealand) when I'm living in Scotland? There's a bit of a distance issue here, at least cartographically. So. My ideas flummox me just as much as everyone else's ideas about where I should be going and what I should be doing. At the moment, I'm supposed to be working on learning Adobe Illustrator for Technical Foundations II class, but hang that, because now I'm just spiraling into a rant about how not thought out all of this really is. Every once in a while you'll hear me exclaim "my life is in shambles" and then go about the rest of my day. It's just what I do. So. There. I've done it.
My life is in shambles.
And yet, I have hope. I'm surrounded by people I love, people who love me and don't give a rat's ass what I do as long as I'm happy. And that's a support system Batman could only dream of. I don't think it's quite near the hour to throw in the proverbial towel, so to speak. Hell, I want to learn Gaelic as well--better shove that in somewhere. Here I'll be. Trying to figure things out and failing miserably and triumphing greatly in my ineptitude and descrying my future.
Ranting, raving, and altogether looking up,
Mo
Edit: Actually, I'm loving what I've chosen to do at the moment. Adobe Illustrator is actually completely interesting to me and is currently occupying my time. I'm not in a real huff. This isn't sarcastic, for those of you concerned, I'm excited about it. Uncertain, but certainly excited. Had to fit my rant in somewhere, too much straight-facing it these days. My life isn't really in shambles. It's just a bit disconcerting at the moment, is all. Keep calm and carry on!
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